How did the chicken cross the road? (hint: you need think like a fish and act like a turtle, forget the chicken)

  The chicken doesn't cross the road in the city in Vietnam.  Chickens get squashed. Or the chicken makes it across the road leaving a path of chaos and wreckage and sour attitudes behind it. 

Traffic here is a living, breathing thing. In this thing, Traffic, there are different entities. This may get a bit silly, so just close your eyes and use your imagination with me for a bit.

Imagine a nice, clear moving stream running, at a good pace, in one direction. Next to it, an exact replica of this stream, running in the opposite direction. Clear water, green riverbanks, sun is out, clouds dotting the sky, very peaceful. This is the road. at 3 a.m. Maybe. 

Enter the shark, this could be a full size bus, a dump truck, a vehicle of size. The shark cruises down the stream doing whatever it wants. It owns the road and nothing argues with the sharks (I know there are not sharks in rivers, but remember use your imagination). Now enter the red drum, they sometimes school 3 or 4 together at at time, they sometimes cruise solo, they mostly stick to the left side of the stream, but not always. These are cars. Some are electric, some gas, They go where they want, when they want, as long as there isn't a shark in the way. And then there the baitfish, lets say mullet. Schools and schools of mullet. They swim in schools and fill up any available space in the stream that isn't taken up by sharks or drum. They go fast, they go slow, they intertwine all the time. These are the scooters, or as they call them here, the motorbikes. Mostly ranging from 50cc to about 125cc these take up the majority of the stream. They sometimes carry one passenger, sometimes up to five. Sometimes they carry ladders, sometimes they are stacked higher than the driver with whatever random material you can imagine. 

This is the bulk of the stream, and the water is about waist deep. Of course there are outliers. The random salmon swimming upstream, going the wrong way. The occasional minnow on the bicycle. The odd clownfish driving a tuktuk. 

So, me and you, the pedestrians, we are just people walking down the nice green river bank (sidewalk) until we need to cross the stream. Except the riverbank isn't really nice and green. It's more like it is a rough path between lots of rocks. There are vendors, and chairs,  and mullet parked on the riverbank. Sometimes the red drum are parked on the riverbank! Sometimes you have to wade ankle deep in the river because the bank is so full of stuff. Most of the time you have to walk single file. If you have to walk in the river a little bit, the mullet expect this and just go around you. But you have to keep an eye out for the mullet behind you and also for the all the fish coming in from the tributaries. If there is a traffic light, they will stop for the most part. If there isn't, the tributary fish just seem to mesh seamlessly with the main stream. Even if they are turning left. It's kind of like cogs on wheel meshing together and somehow it always works. I don't think there are stop signs here. Maybe just the occasional traffic light and stop suggestions. 

Sitting back and watching all this in real time is a bit mesmerizing. There are usually cafes at intersections where you can get a cup of coffee and and just watch this dance of fish going around each other. And to be fair, at the rare intersections with lights, there are usually crosswalks and the little green and red walking people that tell you when to cross and this works fairly well. 

But not all crossings have this. 

In fact most don't, and the amount of fish in the stream is relentless. Some schools are thicker than others. Sometimes there are small-ish gaps. 

And eventually you HAVE to cross the street. There is a method. Just watch the locals. Like I said, the water is about waist deep. The key is you have to wade through the schools of fish slowly and predictably. NO SUDDEN MOVEMENTS! They just part and go around you, but you have to play by the rules. You have to respect them and where they can go. Don't be a squirrel! Don't suddenly stop. Don't ever go backwards! Don't change directions or suddenly adjust speed! Just slowly, steadily  move forward and be aware! It still gives me an adrenaline rush on major streets. Sharks and drum can't move as easily, so you have let them do what they want. When in doubt and if you are still learning I advise sticking close to a local as they cross and letting them lead the way. 

It's scary. It's harrowing, but the pace of traffic isn't moving so fast that it would kill you, but you don't want to be the cause of multi-scooter pile up! The key is to go with the flow!

Side note about the honking: Honking from sharks, drum and mullet is almost like echo location or communication. Very short beeps. "I'm coming up behind you!" "You are getting too close to me" "I'm over here, don't hit me". These beeps are constant and just part of Traffic here. 

Stay tuned for my story about my first time being a mullet!